Keeping the "WE" in Weddings: How to Deal With Four of the Biggest Pre-Wedding Arguments

Congratulations! You are engaged. You’ve met the man of your dreams and can spend the rest of your life in marital bliss … right?

Well, yes. And no.

As I’m sure your mother has told you, marriages take work. You have to listen, be compassionate and (gasp!) compromise. The same goes with your wedding.

It is possible you and your fiancé will be the one couple in 100,000,000 that doesn’t argue during the wedding planning process and if you are yet to tear into it over table linens or font choices, then kudos to you!

The Knot lists 10 of the biggest pre-wedding fights and gets insight from psychotherapist, Tina B. Tessina on how to avoid them. I’m going to choose four my favorites, summarize Tessina’s advice and add my own notes in parentheses.

1. Familial Issues
One of the main arguments newly engaged couples have is over his-or her-family, their ever-growing guest list and how much money they’re adding to the pile. Tessina believes this type of argument is “a prototype for future financial dealings” and suggests for couples to approach the issue as if it were a business dealing. (Smart woman, this Tina Tessina. However, this assumes you are “splitting” the guest list in threes (her family, his family, and the two of you ... and if you are, that’s awfully nice of you. But remember, it *is* your wedding and you and your fiancé have precedence. If you guys aren’t on the same page-get there, quickly and start practicing supporting each other through difficult decisions.)

2. Getting the Groom Going
I know, I know … your groom doesn’t give a rat’s rooter what color the tablecloths are or if you choose lilies or roses. I get it. Tessina advises brides to realize that men don’t normally care about things such as design and décor, and sadly, their wedding is no different. She suggests to find something they are interested in and try to get them involved in that. (IF you can. Most brides I know have tried this technique to no avail. My advice is to get over it. You know you wouldn’t be happy if he chose the invitations from the bottom of your list, anyway, so be glad you can do all of the planning and get him to help verify non-RSVPers or confirm vendors just before the Big Day.)

3. Busting Bridezilla
We’ve all known women who somehow take on a monstrous facade when they planned their wedding. They were horrible to deal with, had unrealistic expectations and were basically all-out witches. Witches. I said witches. Tessina says if you see yourself in this scenario, then “drop the Martha act.” (I say, if your fiancé thinks you are getting out of control, take a step back and reevaluate your priorities. Remember, your wedding is a special day-but it is just one day. You don’t want to cause conflicts that could leave a mark on your new marriage.)

4. Old Flames
So what would you do if your fiance wants to invite his ex to the wedding? Tessina tells brides to “grow up” already, because he already chose you and suggests for brides to reach out to the friend and try to get to know her. (I, personally, couldn’t disagree more. I don’t understand why either of you would insist on any guest being present that could potentially upset your wedding day. This isn’t a dinner party he wants to invite her to, it is your wedding and unless you and your fiance are both 100% ok with inviting exes, then save that invite for your great-great-grandmother. Or your dog groomer.)

What other pre-wedding fights do you think engaged couples encounter? Do you agree with Tessina’s assessments? Do you agree with mine? Please share your opinions!

KISS Older Couple Wedding

I attended a wedding for an "older" couple last Saturday. Although it was a second wedding for the bride, it was a first time for the groom. Since the couple was together for 13 years before the wedding, it was more of a party to celebrate their love rather than a new beginning. (Here is a good article about "older wedding couples" and their needs.)

I asked the bride why it had taken them so long to make it official and she said, "Between my kids and their weddings, my parents passing on and then the grandkids coming, we never had time for ourselves. Now that everything is settled we decided to have the wedding I always wanted and never had." (Her first wedding was a hasty elopement when she was quite young.)

I have to say, that the bride kept the wedding simple and stunning. It truly was a KISS wedding, starting with the informal wedding gown, on through the wedding ceremony and ending with the wedding reception. As her parents are gone, the bride walked down the aisle accompanied by three bridesmaids and her little granddaughters. Her wedding gown silhouette was simple and elegant - no ball gown billowing out behind her. The bridesmaids all wore simple and flattering black tea length dresses that were age appropriate. Only the cute little flower girls had frills on their dresses. (They were the bride's three- and four-year-old granddaughters.)

After the wedding ceremony, the bridal couple eschewed the traditional receiving line and went around to each guest, greeting everyone as we all stood outside the church. No one threw anything, which made me happy - rice isn't good for birds, and bird seed is messy as the birds can attack to get it. Rose petals are a mess to clean up, too.

The wedding reception was fun and had some really poignant touches. As we entered the party center, there was a table set up with the guest book and place cards. Behind this was an open photo book of all the family who were gone. I saw the bride's parents, her aunt and uncle, my mom, uncle and even my grandmother. It was a nice gesture and made all of us quite nostalgic about the times when we were quite young.

Instead of wedding favors, there were signs on each table stating that the funds that would have been spent on the wedding favors were instead donated to the American Cancer Society and the Alzheimer's Society.

A pretty wedding wishing well was set up for any additional donations to these societies, as well as a nice box for wedding cards for the wedding couple.

I really like that the wedding couple didn't throw bouquets or garters, and that the wedding cake was sliced and wrapped up for guests to take home.

This was a simple wedding where everyone danced, talked, and interacted with the wedding couple, who made a point of spending time with each guest.

This was an informal yet touching wedding and I am so glad I could share some of it with you. It just goes to show that keeping it simple doesn't preclude having a lot of heart.

Wedding Reception Flow

A wedding reception has a certain rhythm and flow to it that will ensure all have a good time. It helps the flow if you establish a time table as to when certain activities - toast, eat, cut wedding cake and so on, – will occur. It takes the stress and guess work out of the wedding reception flow.

I recently attended a wedding reception where the wedding couple provided a printed menu at each place setting with a wedding program and timeline on the other side that delineated what and who were doing what at each time. It seemed a bit excessive, but it helped them keep the wedding reception flowing nicely.

If you did not have a receiving line at the wedding ceremony site, take the first half-hour and do this. Greet all your guests! Make sure you have music to entertain the guests as they stand in line to greet you and as they mingle in the cocktail area.

After the receiving line ends and guests have mingled and put their place cards at their tables, you should start making your way around the room, having casual conversations with your guests and creating a festive atmosphere. The photographer should be taking candid shots as well during this second half-hour.

Once the cocktail hour is done, dinner is announced. The wedding party is introduced and seated. If you are so inclined, your officiant or parents may say a blessing. Guests are served or dismissed table by table to line up for the buffet.

As soon as everyone has been served, the best man, maid of honor and other special wedding attendants offer a wedding toast to the bride and groom. (Here is a good site to help them compose that toast.) It is optional if you want to respond or if your parents want to then thank everyone for coming.

If you are having wedding cake as dessert, you may choose to have your wedding cake cutting ceremony at this time so that by the time everyone is finished eating, the cake will be served.

Once the first course has been cleared from all the tables it is time for the wedding couple to dance for the first time as husband and wife. This is followed by the father-daughter, mother-son and in-laws dances. (Some fun wedding dance ideas are located at this site.)

These dances may take place before dinner begins or after the entree. Regardless, it's always good to have them while the guests are seated so that everyone gets a chance to see what are usually quite moving moments in the lives of the wedding couple and their parents.

Once the tables are cleared the dancing resumes with everyone. During the last hour or so it's time for the wedding bouquet and garter tosses. Once the the wedding bouquet is tossed to all the single women and the groom tosses the bride's garter to all the single men, all the traditional rituals are over.

It is after this that in the old days, the wedding couple used to change clothes and slip away for their honeymoon after saying farewell only to parents and a few close friends, but nowadays, they are more likely to stay and dance until the very end.

A smooth flow to a wedding reception ensures that all the traditions are observed and everyone involved has a good time!

A Lovely Family Wedding

I went to a wedding last weekend and it was really lovely. Aside from the fact that I got to see family members and had a nice time catching up with them, I was also impressed with both the elegance and simplicity of the wedding itself. It was a true KISS wedding.

The church portion of the wedding was Greek Orthodox and fairly cut and dried, as this is a church that does not allow for too many variations to its basic services. However, before the service began, there were a couple of really nice touches.

Since the bride’s father had passed away, her mother walked her down the aisle. The groom was raised in a single-parent home and when the bride and her mother arrived at the altar, the groom’s mother took her son by the hand and gave it to the bride. Then it was a straightforward ceremony after that.

When we got to the wedding reception at the large banquet hall, there were place cards with table numbers alphabetically listed on an entry way table. Next to this table, there was a guest book and poster of the bride and groom to sign.

While the wedding photographer was snapping all the formal wedding pictures, one of the groom’s nephews was taking candid pictures of all the guests as they entered and having them write a short note to the wedding couple. He was then going to be putting these photos into a special wedding photo book to give to the wedding couple when they return home from their honeymoon.

The bride chose three colors – black, white, and red – and carried these out throughout the wedding and reception. An excellent touch was that she had selected the color red for her bridesmaids’ dresses. However, instead of these bridesmaids' dresses being done in cookie cutter fashion - regardless of whether they look good on a particular body – she had each bridesmaid choose her own dress style in the exact color red she had selected. This meant that one bridesmaid wore a strapless dress that was flattering to her slim figure while another bridesmaid, who was full figured, wore ¾-length sleeves with a fuller skirt. Another bridesmaid wore – well, you get the picture.

Each place setting was elegantly appointed with place card holders, white china, and shiny tableware. Although it was a buffet style, there were servers assigned to ensure that the guests were kept supplied with salads, desserts and beverages. Bridal shower favors attached to tulle-wrapped Jordan almonds were at each place setting and candles shone on each table. When the dancing started, the overhead lights were dimmed and the candlelight lent the room an elegant feel.

What also impressed me was that although there were eight weddings and parties at this banquet hall (Michaud's for those in the Cleveland area) that evening (you should have seen the parking lot) there was never any sense that my cousin’s wedding was not the most important event happening there. The professionalism of the crew made this a wedding to remember.

This wedding was an excellent example of keeping it simple and stunning!